Dreaming

I love dreaming! It's the one place in the world where your wildest dreams come true. There's no limit to what can happen and I love that. Last night I dreamt of this guy whose locker is 1 down from mine. He's really cute and super sweet not exactly a genius but smart enough to give me advice on my whole biological dad and step dad thing. But anyway in the dream we were by our lockers and just randomly talking about this movie we saw after I ran into him at the ticket counter. He was laughing because of course I'm at theatre with my mom and we had to go through her ever popular interview to see if he's worth my time which I tell her is my business and my business only. Anyway he said that I looked I was going to pass out from embarrassment after everything my mom said. And then he just held my hand and intertwined our fingers together. And of course then my alarm came on at full blast, but that's the cost of going to school and living in house where if you wake up late then you loose your time in the bathroom. But other than that dreaming is wonderful because in that dreamland, my dad cares about what goes on in my life, my life is normal, I'm not sick, and I can be what I want to be.

Dreaming

I love dreaming! It's the one place in the world where your wildest dreams come true. There's no limit to what can happen and I love that. Last night I dreamt of this guy whose locker is 1 down from mine. He's really cute and super sweet not exactly a genius but smart enough to give me advice on my whole biological dad and step dad thing. But anyway in the dream we were by our lockers and just randomly talking about this movie we saw after I ran into him at the ticket counter. He was laughing because of course I'm at theatre with my mom and we had to go through her ever popular interview to see if he's worth my time which I tell her is my business and my business only. Anyway he said that I looked I was going to pass out from embarrassment after everything my mom said. And then he just held my hand and intertwined our fingers together. And of course then my alarm came on at full blast, but that's the cost of going to school and living in house where if you wake up late then you loose your time in the bathroom. But other than that dreaming is wonderful because in that dreamland, my dad cares about what goes on in my life, my life is normal, I'm not sick, and I can be what I want to be.

Today was a better day I guess. I didn't feel like crying or punching anyone today... Well there was this biology substitute that I swear was asking me to knock her out but I said to myself that Dr. Easterly wouldn't want that and just left. Which reminds me I have to email her later about how the sub shouldn't be recommended again. But what really seems to be the biggest factor in my good mood is the absence of my so called friends. Whether they avoided me or I just happened to miss seeing them doesn't bother me as long as I don't have too see them unnecessarily. I wonder if I should even be telling you their names so openly? Should I change their names? I mean it's not like you know who they I mean there over 6 billion people in the world..... For now their names will stay as is until I can make fake names. Anyway my stomach keeps hurting me and my mom wants to take me to this doctor that she found out about last week. I don't ever think I told you this but I have this chronic disease called Crohn's Disease that makes my digestive system inflamed and makes it hard for me to gain weight but I keep good care of myself.... Most of the time. I might be getting worse so it really warms my heart that my readers (if you exist) are supportive by just reading.

Roaringly,
Lone wolf

Yellow doesn't mean happiness

Most people are happy when the weather changes, not me. All it does is heat the blood and make people do very stupid things. Like those guys that broke into our house and stole our stuff on the hottest day of spring break. Even Shakespeare knew people get stupid when it's hot. But for me it just takes my usual charisma and twists it. Usually I'm really perky and happy, I mean my chipper personality is about as consistent a s the sun rising in the morning and setting in the evening. In fact if you gave me a mood ring on one of my good days it would always say I'm happy like a yellow or something or God forbid a pink! But today my yellow shirt is a dead spin off to bow I feel. Today I felt angry, tired of everything, hopeless, and overall alone. I know no one can control or is responsible for how you feel but yourself but if my mom is my blood, then my friends are that part of my brain that control my emotions and will to be better. Lately I've felt unwanted and unneeded. Ever since Mercedez and I joined soccer and met Asha, she never needs her goofy and carefree friend. It's like Asha took my place. She even moved up a grade to graduate with her. Well that might not be why but still it hurts because I can still remember when we were in 7th grade and we dreamed of going to college in New York together. She was gonna be a pediatric neuro-surgeon and I was gonna be an artist. We even said that we would share an apartment at NYU or something. We had all these really cool dreams and we were always there for each other. Yeah I was always getting hurt and she always had problems at home that would terrify mebut she kept me well physically and I kept her up emotionally. We've grown apart and I don't want to. She's like family... a sister. It hurts to think of her leaving and I hate to cry especially but if she left I think I would break out crying on this bus. I don't make lots of super strong connections with people, but when I do it's like a contract. That person can never leave or I won't be able to keep it together. The only way I keep it together is investing only a portion of myself into a person, so if they leave it doesn't hurt as bad. When my Grandpa on Dad's side died, I cried for hours and hours to the point I threw up and for people like me, that's not good. So from then on I was just happy about every bit of good there was in the world because if you care most about little things and divide how much you care about big things then you won't feel the hurt.

Roaringly,
Lone wolf

Revelations into my life

I'm writing and listening to music, again. I know you're probably thinking I seriously need some help if I'm talking or rather writing as if my iPod is real but like I said I'm not a touchy feely person that can talk to someone about their problems. I need an outlet kinda like when my parents paid so much attention to my brother. I can't believe I got that bad that I took my pen family's money! Well I can but it's still sort of appalling to just get that low. Talked to Ms. Widell today and asked her how she would approach a student that was going through a hard time, and for one brief moment I wanted to tell her about yesterday and how I don't feel close to my friends anymore. But most of all I wanted o tell her about how today I actually loathed and was angered by even the thought of Mercedez talking to me. But at the same time I itched for her to want to talk to me. And then it hit me.... The reason I felt this way was because I felt the same way with my biological dad when he wouldn't make the effort to contact me. She made me feel the same abandonment I felt when I realized he had his own life and he wasn't making the effort to include me in it. So I've decided that I'm done with people because all they can do is betray you.

Roaringly,
Lone wolf